Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
This is amazing.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three