Spring cleaning checklist…
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I don’t see enough dead people.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed