Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Netflix: We have Less
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If I ignore life will it go away?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.