GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.