[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences