Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING