@shelldash
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
@david8hughes
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
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@shelldash
@OwlFWGKTA
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
@Marlebean
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
@Diversion50
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
@iamburtjarvis
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
@krisv_723
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
@Fickle_Filly
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
@ojedge
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
@JohnLyonTweets
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
@degg
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot