Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.


those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat


You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.


I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.


[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?


I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!


The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.


DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”


Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.


just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot