@juneohara65 Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
@david8hughes Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
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@juneohara65 
@LoveNLunchmeat No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
@stevevsninjas Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
@ArfMeasures Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
@boring_as_heck Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
@thenatewolf Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don’t have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*
@Cheeseboy22 “It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
@ArfMeasures [park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
@rickolantern I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
@Kyle_Lippert If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.