Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.