Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.