Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Tbh i wanna marry someone as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school