@skullmandible

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

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@_salt_n_lime

I left two Doritos on my plate at lunch today so it’s safe to say I’m taking this new diet very seriously.

@chuuew

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

@hipstermermaid

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

@Sassafrantz

I THINK
[boyfriend goes by]
YOU’RE TOO
[boyfriend goes by]
YOUNG FOR ME
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel

@smerobin

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

@SvnSxty

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

@HenpeckedHal

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.