@tylerschmall

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

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@bourgeoisalien

Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@stevevsninjas

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

@ThePocketJustin

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

@TragicAllyHere

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@MissNaughty1801

Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!

Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago

@tastefactory

ME: Actually, her name is not Khaleesi. That’s her Dothraki title. Her name is Daenerys Targaryen.
GUY ON SUBWAY: I didn’t say anything