England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

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Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective


Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?


My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.


Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.


Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.


Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)


If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.


Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date


Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!

Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago


ME: Actually, her name is not Khaleesi. That’s her Dothraki title. Her name is Daenerys Targaryen.
GUY ON SUBWAY: I didn’t say anything