@FredTaming

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

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@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

@LostFelicia

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

@ThaJawn

*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

@sixfootcandy

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.