[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

You Might Also Like


Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.


I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years


He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.


Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail


In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz


Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.


As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.


My friendship transcends political bullshit. But if you don’t like cheeseburgers, you’re dead to me.


[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”


“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.