@FredTaming

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

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@LetsGoDoyers

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

@scott_tobias

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

@jammiiepants

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@PlainTravis

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

@CYComedy

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

@_salt_n_lime

My friendship transcends political bullshit. But if you don’t like cheeseburgers, you’re dead to me.

@david8hughes

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

@peterjames48

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.