Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
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The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
really makes you think
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.