[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it