English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail