English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
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someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?