English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*puts cutlery down*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Smooooooth
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days