English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry