english majors be like furthermore
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Try and stop me.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Extremely relatable.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.