2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
happy friday
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
based al yankovic
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.