English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.