“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.