I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
prepare for carbonated trouble
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.