“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
So inspired right now.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.