Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic