Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.