@johnbiehl

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

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@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@Matt_The_1st

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

@Prero22

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@KevinBuffalo

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

@aimlessamers

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?