Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago


As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.


Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.


Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.


Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.


Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?