Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Who.
Did.
This?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”