Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I think my mom just blocked me
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Flock of bats