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Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.


CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.


Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger


Girlfriend: i just got stung by that wasp can u put a bandaid on it

Me: babe im sure he’s gonna be fine


[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa


My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me


I’ve got hoes in different area codes.

(I’m very careless with my gardening tools.)


[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”