Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
If snakes were wide
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”