@Rollinintheseat

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@NickSwardson

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

@ConorTripler

my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner

@EdgarAllanLo

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

@PlainTravis

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

@AnitaHelmet

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

@GrantTanaka

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

@d_duhwit

*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”

@drinksmcgee

My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.

@TheHyyyype

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot