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“336Hours”
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
then why did i get this email
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.