Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”
My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.
Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot