Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Your secret is safeish with me
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
technically true but not a great slogan