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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.


It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*


Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.


I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.


I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?


When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)


It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.


I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass


I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax