ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*puts cutlery down*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.