I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.
Anyone need a roommate tonight?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds