<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*