[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.