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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.


ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth


The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.


Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”


Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph


me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no


I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.


If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.


I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.


My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions