torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
the #horror is real!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.