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ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had