<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
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TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
peep davidson
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
That’s no pocket rocket.