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Morningbreath
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.