And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
How to fall downstairs……
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.