@GermanFreckles

*enter password*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*

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@LackOfShame

Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@StymieBrewer

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

@shkeeber

Her: You into S&M.

Him: Sure.

Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*

Him: Oh yeah.

Her: Ready…?

Him: Torture me!

Her: *plays Nickelback*

@XAIMMadellynne

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

@Mr_Kapowski

FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now

@GrantTanaka

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

@magsaidwhat

In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on

@YesThatAmy

This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?