*enter password*




*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*

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Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company


Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”


“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.


Her: You into S&M.

Him: Sure.

Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*

Him: Oh yeah.

Her: Ready…?

Him: Torture me!

Her: *plays Nickelback*


I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.


I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.


FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now


Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]


In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on


This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?