[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Potatoes were such a good idea
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*