@ArfMeasures

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

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@TequilaTears

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”

@pmclellan

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

@okimstillhungry

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

@beefman138

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

@wickedsuga

I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.

@trumpetcake

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

@GodShammGod9

My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.

@KKBowls

I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’