Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When I see “Bvlgari”
My mind: It is pronounced “Bulgari”
My mouth: Buvulgari
•Woozy woman comes up•
“OMG I’m-I’m gonna faint!”
“Go ahead, knock yourself out”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.
We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”