Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I finally found a reason to live again.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.