@KrunkedRobot

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

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@thefurlinator

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

@Alex_Houseof308

When I see “Bvlgari”

My mind: It is pronounced “Bulgari”

My mouth: Buvulgari

@shwebby3

•Woozy woman comes up•
“OMG I’m-I’m gonna faint!”

“Go ahead, knock yourself out”

@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

@KelseyA1028

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

@Not_James_Vogel

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

@Brianhopecomedy

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.

@_mindflakes

We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”