[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I missed you with all my darts
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My circle of trust is a meatball
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes