Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
LION TAMER: I’m a lion tamer.
LION: For now.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope