*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.


A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.


[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.



Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it


[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!


[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope