*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
found my next D&D character name
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Sunday
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.