Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
All set.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.