at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
me as a parent
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”