Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
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My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Chicken bread
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again