*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
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My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry