[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My dad.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.