Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@schumoo

What if this is just the practice pandemic?

@Darlainky

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

@Smooheed

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

@TheJollygunner

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

@BuckyIsotope

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

@wittwitbarista

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

@AlmightyBored

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.