Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@thatUPSdude

If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@BobTheSuit

The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.

@michaeldean81

To whom it may concern,
If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.

@shkeeber

I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

@rappersaid

#NeverForget

@petemandik

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

@capnwatsisname

Charjar Binks

@sammyrhodes

Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

@JoParkerBear

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.