“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?