my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
You Might Also Like
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo